Recently, a good friend’s loved one passed away and I was stuck. What do I do? How do I support her, without being smothering and ensuring I’m as helpful as possible? So many worries swim through your head in this sort of situation. Even though I wasn’t experiencing the loss, I needed a little support myself to figure out how to proceed. I found some great advice from friends and family, so I’ve decided to share it.

Firstly, you’ll have to realize that everyone is different! Just because someone deals with their grief one way in the sad movie you saw last, or you recently helped someone else through a difficult time, it doesn’t mean that this person requires the same treatment. Some need alone time, some need to talk it out. Asking them what they need is always the best way to figure out that conundrum.

Patience may sound like a given, but many forget that each person’s situation is different. There is no time-limit or expiry date on grief. Remember that you are not in their shoes and what may have seemed fair-weather to you may in fact have been a crucial relationship to them.

Another fact to be aware of is that the strong and stoic reaction is not necessarily as fantastic as it seems. If someone has experienced loss, they are guaranteed to go through the complicated stages of grief, so you should expect a few breakdowns here and there as they go through the healing process. If this isn’t occurring, it’s a bit of a red flag. Consider your actions towards them during this time. Instead of congratulating them on their strength, let them know they are welcome to cry on your shoulder. Encourage discussions and ways to memorialize and this should show that you are okay with their vulnerability.